this heart of mine

for too long
iv worn these ashes like a crown
iv let them wear me

this is NOT who i am

broken? NO, He restores me.
lost? No, He finds me.
alone? No, He loves me.

i will take this beauty
this beauty You gave
and I will wear it like a crown

You make all things new


instead of a show

after reading a very inspiring and thought provoking interview with Jon Foreman on relevantmagazine.com
iv become somewhat of a fan. he seems to be a man of his word. one who truly uses his life and talents to bless and serve those in need. big respect yo!

so i checked out his myspace in desperate need of some friday afternoon serenading (his voice happens to be lovely too) and WOW.
this song.

made me stop.
made me think.
made me rethink.

listen to it here. (myspace.com/jonforeman) its called "instead of a show". last track on playlist.

I hate all your show and pretense
The hypocrisy of your praise
The hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show
Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stomp on my ears when you're singing 'em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show

Your eyes are closed when you're praying
You sing right along with the band
You shine up your shoes for services
There's blood on your hands
You turned your back on the homeless
And the ones that don't fit in your plan
Quit playing religion games
There's blood on your hands

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show
I hate all your show

Let's argue this out
If your sins are blood red
Let's argue this out
You'll be one of the clouds
Let's argue this out
Quit fooling around

Give love to the ones who can't love at all
Give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
Stand up for the ones who can't stand at all

Isaiah 1
11 “What makes you think I want all your sacrifices?”
says the Lord.
“I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams
and the fat of fattened cattle.
I get no pleasure from the blood
of bulls and lambs and goats.
12 When you come to worship me,
who asked you to parade through my courts with all your ceremony?
13 Stop bringing me your meaningless gifts;
the incense of your offerings disgusts me!
As for your celebrations of the new moon and the Sabbath
and your special days for fasting—
they are all sinful and false.
I want no more of your pious meetings.
14 I hate your new moon celebrations and your annual festivals.
They are a burden to me. I cannot stand them!
15 When you lift up your hands in prayer, I will not look.
Though you offer many prayers, I will not listen,
for your hands are covered with the blood of innocent victims.
16 Wash yourselves and be clean!
Get your sins out of my sight.
Give up your evil ways.
17 Learn to do good.
Seek justice.
Help the oppressed.
Defend the cause of orphans.
Fight for the rights of widows.

18 “Come now, let’s settle this,”
says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson,
I will make them as white as wool.
19 If you will only obey me,
you will have plenty to eat.
20 But if you turn away and refuse to listen,
you will be devoured by the sword of your enemies.
I, the Lord, have spoken!”

i think so many times i do the right thing but with my heart in the wrong place.
songs like these, scriptures like these always make me stop. and take a good look at my heart.

its not always nice what i find there.

i dont want to live to be loved anymore.
i want to live to love others.

its not easy.

but we gotta sink our roots deep into His Love and then maybe we'll start to get it.



Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.

I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.

I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.

Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.

I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.

And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believen' that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believen' that we all were on their side.

Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.

Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black.

Johnny Cash - Man in Black

"I still do (wear the black), and wearing it still means something to me. It's still my symbol of rebellion - against a stagnant status quo, against our hypocritical houses of God, against people whose minds are closed to others' ideas."


rob bell - "drops like stars"

there's a phrase we use when we're describing something we consider new and fresh and

we say it's "out of the box."

the problem with the phrase is that when something or someone is judged to be in or out of "the box," it reveals that "the box" is still our primary point of reference. we're still operating within the prescribed boundaries and assumptions of how things are supposed to be.

"out of the box" is sometimes merely another way of being "in the box."

and then there are those who come from a totally different place - "there's a box?"


this is the new year.

Good riddance 2009. you will not be missed.

I don't think I've ever been so relieved for a new year to begin. and at the same time so annoyed at my ignorance to think that a date on a calendar means everything is suddenly peachy. haha.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are those who go through the winter, for they can appreciate the summer more.
Blessed are those who sit in darkness for when the light comes, they will see it so clearly.
Blessed are those who are in need of a hand, for they will reach out to find a friend who has always been there.
Blessed are those whose tears stain their cheeks, for their laughter will taste so much sweeter.

I once asked a friend how he was doing and had never received a more truthful answer
"Life isn't good Ru, but God is always good."
I wish everyone would be this honest once in a while.

2009 was a difficult year. But I wouldnt have it any other way.
"therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day"

I have scraped the tip of God's endless and unimaginable love for us. And it is unbelievable.
It catches me offguard and is always calling me to a deeper place. A place of safety and security. Where I long to be rooted. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, or to reason it away, God's Love is unstoppable. He has pursued me over and over and over. Gently but passionately and persistently.
I have been blessed beyond measure with friends that love me unconditionally and stuck closer to me than blood.
this has made 09 worth every single day.

I can finally say that I have put the past behind me and I am ready to look ahead. I don't want to miss out on what He is doing.
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"